I’m Married to an Alcoholic: What Do I Do?

I’m Married to an Alcoholic: What Do I Do?

If you’re married to an alcoholic, there’s a good chance you’ve spent a lot of time wondering what you’re supposed to do.

Do you confront them again? Give them another chance? Stop bringing it up? Pour the alcohol out? Call someone? Leave? Stay? Wait until they’re ready?

When you love someone struggling with alcohol, it’s easy for their addiction to slowly become the center of your life, too. You start paying attention to how much they’ve had to drink, what mood they’re in, whether they made it home, what they told the kids, how much money they spent, or whether this promise to quit will be different from the last one. And you wonder if anything you’re doing is helping the situation.

So, what do you actually do when your husband or wife is an alcoholic?

Here are some practical places to start.

Step 1: Get Honest About Their Drinking

You don’t have to wait for your spouse to lose everything before admitting alcohol has become a problem.

Sometimes alcoholism is obvious. Other times, especially from inside a marriage, it’s surprisingly easy to explain away. They still go to work. They don’t drink every day. They only get really drunk on the weekends. They’ve never been arrested. They can stop for a few days when they really want to.

But a better question than “Are they bad enough to be an alcoholic?” is this: What is alcohol doing to our life?

Has alcohol damaged trust between you? Is it affecting your finances, parenting, intimacy, responsibilities, or communication? Are there promises to stop followed by the same behavior? Have you started changing what you say or do to avoid setting them off? Are your children learning to read the room based on whether Mom or Dad has been drinking?

Step 2: Decide What You Will and Will Not Live With

Once you acknowledge what is happening, it’s time to think about boundaries. It’s important to keep in mind that a boundary is not another attempt to control your spouse. It is a decision about what you will do when a certain behavior occurs.

“Stop drinking or else” tries to control someone else's decision.

“I will not allow you to drive our children after you’ve been drinking” establishes what you will do to protect your children.

“I’m not going to lie to your employer or family to cover up what happened” is a boundary.

"If I think that you have brought drugs, alcohol, or drug paraphernalia into the house, I will ask you to leave” is a boundary.

“I will not participate in conversations when I feel that you are intoxicated” is a boundary.

Boundary Tip: If you set a boundary, you better be prepared to follow through with it. If you don’t, then it’s not a boundary.

Step 3: Stop Doing for Them What They Need to Do for Themselves

This can be one of the hardest changes to make because many of the things we call “enabling” begin as acts of love or self-preservation.

You don’t want your spouse to lose their job, so you make the excuse for why they’re late again. You don’t want your children to know what happened, so you clean up the mess before they wake up. You don’t want your extended family to think badly of them, so you come up with another explanation for why they didn't show up. You don’t trust them to go get groceries, so you do it for them. And on and on and on it goes.

You are trying to hold your family together. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with that, there comes a point when constantly protecting someone from the consequences of their drinking protects the addiction, too.

That doesn't mean you should be cruel or intentionally make your spouse's life harder. You don't have to make their consequences worse. But you don't have to keep making them disappear, either. They are responsible for the consequences of their actions, and it is not your job to continually protect them.

Step 4: Get Support for Yourself

Loving someone struggling with alcohol can make you question what’s normal, what’s your responsibility, and whether the decisions you’re making are actually helping. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the middle of it every day.

Finding Hope is a free support group created specifically for people who love someone struggling with addiction. It gives you a place to be honest about what you’re experiencing alongside people who understand the fear, frustration, confusion, and exhaustion that can come with loving someone in addiction.

Finding Hope can also help you learn how to set healthy boundaries, stop enabling destructive behavior, take care of yourself, and understand what is — and is not — your responsibility.

You don’t have to wait for them to get help before you get help.

Find a Finding Hope meeting near you today.

Step 5: Encourage Recovery

You can’t make your spouse get sober, but you can make it easier for them to take the next step when they’re willing.

Talk to them when they’re sober, if possible. Tell them clearly that you believe they need help, and come to the conversation with an actual option — not just “you need to do something.”

That might mean calling The Healing Center together.

The Healing Center is a 45-day immersive experience that offers a trauma-informed, Christ-centered approach to radical life transformation for alcoholics.

If they’re willing, don’t wait for the perfect time. Make the call. Ask questions. Find out what getting help could look like.

And if they say no, remember: Their decision not to get help doesn’t mean you have to go back on the boundaries you’ve set.

What Families Should Know About The Healing Center

If you're considering The Healing Center for someone you love, it's important to understand that we aren't trying to replace detox, medical care, or professional addiction treatment when those services are needed.

Every situation is different, and The Healing Center won't necessarily be the right first step for every person struggling with addiction. But if your loved one is ready to continue working on his recovery and would benefit from a faith-based community, The Healing Center is worth considering.

You don't have to know exactly what kind of help he needs before you contact us. That's one of the reasons we're here. We can talk with you about what's going on, answer questions about The Healing Center, and help you better understand whether our program makes sense for where your loved one is right now.

Contact The Healing Center today to learn more about our faith-based recovery community and what life at The Healing Center looks like.